Just keep talking
by planet p
Summary: So, I know, it's childish, but it's supposed to be humour. AU; Miss Parker and Lyle have an argument, a childish argument.


**Just keep talking** by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _the Pretender_ or any of its characters.

* * *

"Get the phone, Boo."

"You get the phone," Ben replied.

Catherine frowned. "I would, but I'm not here; I'm an illusion stemming from your subconscious mind. Not here."

"Well I'm not getting it. I've had enough of telemarketers. That's it."

"Rubbish! What if it's my daughter?"

"What if it is, Cathy?"

"Get the phone!" she growled.

"Get it yourself," he intoned, walking to the kettle in mind of heating up some water and making himself a coffee... a _strong_ coffee!

"What if it's my lunatic son? He may need your advice, Boo."

"I'm not talking to a lunatic!" Ben snapped. "Your son or not."

"That's mean," Cathy remarked.

"Tough. I'm mean. Get over it."

"Huh."

"Right back atcha, Cats!"

"Catherine. Catherine, you moron!"

"Nice. So now it's insults, is it?"

"Do not call me Cats!" Catherine scowled. "And get the Goddamn phone!"

"No."

"What a bastard!" she hissed, stalking out of the room. "I can't believe you're my brother."

"Me, neither, hon!" he called after her.

"Cram it, Boo. It's all your fault!"

Ben laughed. "Excuse me? You're the eldest."

"I'm dead!" she screamed, through the wall.

"Well, lucky you! You've got an easy excuse!" he snapped.

"Easy!" she hollered. "Easy! I'm fucking dead, you halfwit!"

"Oh, go on. Keep insulting me," he encouraged. Shaking his head, he walked to the kitchen sink to fill the kettle.

His cell phone rang.

"Ben Miller," he answered.

"Hi, Ben... It's Miss Parker."

"Told you!" Cathy snapped, from somewhere down the hall.

"Miss Parker. How are you?"

"Oh... not bad. All things considered."

"That's good to know."

"Yeah. How are you?"

"Same as always."

"Ah."

"_Which is?"_

"Shut up! And don't listen in on my calls, idiot!"

"_Like, sheesh, is Ben your new boyfriend?"_

"Idiot!"

"_Sydney told me to go for a walk. It's so humiliating. Like I'm a child."_

"You are a child." Miss Parker laughed. "Don't pull faces. I'm your older sister. You're always going to be my little brother."

"_Since when am I your brother?"_

"What?"

"_Since when do you admit we're related, sis? Who are you talking to?"_

"My psychiatrist," she replied sweetly.

"_Right. Cute. Actually, I think I have something constructive to do, after all."_

"No shit, lil bro. Toodle-loo! Don't start any arguments!" she chimed cheerfully.

"_Yeah, right. Sydney's the argument starter, not me."_

"Sydney?"

"_Sydney!"_ he mocked.

"Why don't you blame the whole world on Sydney, because he's Belgian, creep!"

"_This has nothing to do with Sydney's nationality,"_ her brother replied, annoyed.

"Sure it doesn't, _hick_!"

"_Whatever, priss!"_

"What the fuck did you just call me?"

"_Priss, because you are. And not because you're Belgian, which you aren't, anyway. You're a priss because you went to boarding school and now you think it makes you so much more high and mightier than the rest of us!"_

"Well at least I didn't go to university in Virginia, ew!"

"_What the Hell has that got to do with anything?"_

"I _hate_ that state!"

"_And..."_

"And shut up and get lost! Go find Jarod or something!"

"_No, you go find Jarod. You shouldn't be talking to your boyfriend on company time, anyway."_

"He's not my boyfriend, loser! He's my shrink!"

"_Is there a difference?"_

"You're so dead!"

"_Oh, well, if I'm dead then I guess that just leaves you to find Jarod. Have fun with that, won't you?"_

"_Miss P.?"_

"Argh, piss off, Broots, or I'm sending you both to Brat Camp!" she snapped.

"_With Lyle? Shit, yeah, I'm pissing off!"_

"Have you been teaching Broots bad language?"

"_Me?"_

"Yes, you!"

"_Now why would I do a thing like that, sis? Besides, it's not as though you're a princess, yourself, when it comes to..."_

"_Would the both of you quieten down! I am trying to _concentrate_ here!"_

"He started it!"

"_No I didn't. She's talking to her psychiatrist when she's supposed to be looking for Jarod. Am I? No!"_

"Loser!"

"_Priss!"_

"_Shut up!_

"Make him get lost!" Miss Parker snapped.

"_Baby,"_ Lyle replied.

"You forget, imbecile, I'm a baby with a gun!"

"_Well I have a gun, too! Hah!"_

"_Argh!"_

"Take him away," Miss Parker told Sydney. "He wants me to shoot him. How crappy would I feel if I shot my own brother?"

"_You'd be laughing,"_ Lyle replied.

"Oh, don't you give me ideas, you sociopath! Don't you even!"

"_I knew it!"_

"Shut up! Can't you see you're upsetting Syd."

"_I am!"_

"Y- Sydney! Grab his arm, not mine!"

"_I don't want to talk to him! I'm talking to you, now. And I'd appreciate if you'd actually listen to what I have to say rather than talking on your phone and yelling at your brother at the same time and ignoring me!"_

"I was talking on the phone first. Until that idiot interrupted me."

"_Idiot,"_ Lyle laughed.

"You are an idiot."

"_So. I'm cute, so it's endearing. Get over it, priss."_

"You are not cute. You are so far from cute, it's not even- Ow!"

"_I have had it with you two!"_ Sydney told them loudly.

"_Are you kidding? It's all her! We should go get a coffee. Relax. My shout. Maybe Jarod left us a message at the cafeteria. Plus, they have that nice cake. And the cute caf girl..."_

"She's a redhead, moron!" Miss Parker snapped.

"_So? So I'm expanding my horizons."_

"Shoot me now, Sydney," Miss Parker moaned. "Just do it. Kill me."

"_I don't want anything to do with this, frankly."_

"Oh my God! You are so a copycat! Just cos Frankie likes redhead, now you have to! That is so pathetic."

"_Bollocks!"_

"No, it's the truth."

"_Sydney was with Michelle first. So hah! You don't know me! You're just... You so don't know me!"_

"No, because you're my twin brother, who, in his spare time, doubles as a homicidal lunatic," she replied sweetly. "I wouldn't even _want_ to know you if you were the last person on Earth, _lunatic_!"

"_Charming. But, like, could you stop shouting about how we're related. It's so lame. I was hoping the other women would get jealous cos we were together, and, well... Ow!"_

"You deserved that! I'm telling on you to my shrink!"

"_So what. Do it. I don't care. I've got Sydney, anyway. Let's go, Sydney."_

_"Just... don't touch me!"_ Sydney replied.

_"Fine by me."_

"_Loony!"_ Miss Parker shouted after him.

"I think I'll ring back," Ben told her, when it sounded like it had gone quiet on her end, at last.

"No, don't! I may have the insatiable urge to kill my loony brother in front of twenty or so witnesses and a bunch of security cameras. Just keep talking."


End file.
